Brain Droppings

Brain Droppings of an ambiguous brown girl in spaces and space.

I'm never 100% comfortable in mostly all white spaces. Believe me, I do my best to not create waves or discomfort only to avoid the mental and emotional drain it takes me forever to climb out of when I'm accused of being "too emotional" or "upset" or much for them to handle. I just listen and watch and be until I'm triggered to HAVE to say something for the sake of their understanding or mine. I conserve my energy for the most part and take notes. It's recon work for later or maybe a book I'll write about the experience one day.

I'm not a door mat and never will be, again. I'm not going to calm down, relax, or take it easy for the sake of protecting any white or privileged persons insecurities or inability to own their shit. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but when they've left you to die (or it felt like they were going to kill you), and those become the stakes of making yourself small, you never want to be or feel small again.

I've had privileged brown, queer, body and sex positive people shame TF out me. I've also had very right wing conservative straight men worship the ground I walk on and vice versa to all of that. Who do I embrace and who do I keep away? Does it matter? Is that important?

I've been called the n word more by Latinos than by angry white folks, I've experienced more micro aggressions from priveleged educated rich people across the board, I've experienced the most body shaming from other women, I've been made most uncomfortable in my life by a queer brown gender non conforming activist, and I've been uplifted the most by babies and plants.

Where should my loyalty lie woke folks, where?! #babyandplantarmy

While there is much more to me than my race and background, no one has ever guessed what I am correctly. Never not once. Wonder what that feels like?

In fact, everyone assumes a lot about me than than they have ever taken the time to know and understand.

Even more, they've gone with their assumptions to make decisions and tell stories about me without that information.

And even more, refused to correct their mistakes or apologize when faced with the truth. And even even more, those that have heard those assumptions and stories have made decisions and told stories about me. Who knows anyone nowadays? #grapevinestories

People will say they agree with me only to tell me they know more because, shut up stupid little brown girl. I know, I agree, but *insert how you're wrong and should be acting or what you should be saying for everyone's comfort here.

A queer priveleged feminist woman of color performer once suggested I tone down how I was treating and reacting to the attacks of a straight white male because of "what people would think" about me and how it would affect other organizations working with me in the future. I went with, nah. She stopped supporting me and rolled with him and his crew. Bros over ho's, I guess.

A lot of people who paid lots of money for their educations hate to see people who didn't thrive in any way shape or form. A lot of people from priveleged upbringings do too. It's very rare to find the ones that don't but they do exist.

My life experience is equal to if not greater than to your academic one and I can tell and feel when it's not even being considered in the equation of understanding or problem solving.

All of these can and might be essays or stories I'll write/produce/perform one day if I haven't already.

Thanks for reading.

lily be