I put back on almost 40 pounds of the 130 pounds of weight I lost over two years ago. 

It's not a bad thing. 

I am not looking at my old "new" body feeling remorseful or regretful. 

In fact, I'm super grateful. 

These are some brain droppings on what I've learned about this journey. 

My "health" coach abandoned me when I was my healthiest physically and unhealthiest mentally. Never when I could make him money and send him clients. In fact, he and his partner called the police on me while I was experiencing PTSD from my breakup and no number on the scale could protect me from that kind of privilege and abuse. 

I am still active and lifting weights and walking and eating right, but a combination of quitting smoking, enjoying decadent meals with new friends, and aging have slowed down my metabolism a bit. I'm ok with it. 

At 166 pounds I was not happier than I am today at almost 200. At 166 I was best friends with someone I let at one point physically abuse me, dating a man that was hot but using me to hide his truth and raise his social capital, friends with people that low key manipulated what I thought about myself and the communities I live in, and other unhealthy triggering people. I was also not owning up to my bullshit, trauma, triggers, and abusive behavior. It wasn't all other people. I got what allowed and I allowed what I got.

The pictures on my feeds and number on the scale did not reflect a lot of that ^^^shit. None of our feeds do. 

I allowed my progress and people's validation of that progress blind me or block the view of the things I still needed to work on emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually and convinced myself I was cool. 

I don't like to feel sexy more than I like to feel respected. Which is not to say that I can't be big and sexy or sexy and respected. It's to say that a lot of the world equates sexy to thin and I heard a lot of that when I lost the weight I had lost. More than I do now, except now in doña mode, IDGAF because I gets respect wherever I go no matter my size. 😂

I never want my goal to be to have a bikini body. Every body is a bikini body. Not every brain is an every body can be in a bikini brain. 

Not every brain is a stretch mark appreciative brain. 

At 166 I was still passively aggressively told I was overweight by my then boyfriend. He said it in bed one day, stating that I was the second biggest woman he had dated. 

I love churros and my mother's traditional home cooking too much to ever give up carbs for any reason at all. 

While I was promoting my health and feeling healthy, I realize now that my side by side pics were still a low-key "I love my small body better" post and maybe not very honest about how I felt about myself on the whole. 

My health coaches partner told me once that if she were me she would lock up my then bf. Low-key implying I was lucky to be with him and not the other way around. Or worse that other women wouldn't respect us being together. Again, 166 could not protect me from that low-key shade and attack on my self esteem from another woman. 

At 166 I became MORE of a target to men despite being healthier and stronger.

I'm still strong and healthy and can lift. I can do planks and ride my bike long distances. I know what nutrients are good for me and what I'm capable of doing and inspiring in others. 

Church, meditating, teaching, plants, cultural exchanges, resting, reading, writing became my new gyms and happy places. 

My worth is not determined by the number:

on a scale

on article of clothing

of likes on a post

of people in my dm's

of matches on bumble

of days I work out

of calories I take in vs use. 

I haven't had sex in almost nine months and I feel like this is where I want to be with sex for a while. The message out there to live your best hoe/thot life is not always as healthy and body positive as some people may think. I mean, live that life if you want to live that life, but also remember that even in that life thin is better than overweight/thick for the majority of people. 

That is not even mentioning the mental shit that comes from fucking garbage ass people that don't respect you the way should be respected living that life. 

Fuck who you want, but be mindful of body, mind, and spirit. ALL MUST BE FULFILLED. 

At almost 200 at 300 at 166. I've learned that is important to be healthy not thin. 

I'm healthier than I was and have been in a looooooooooong time and I know I can still work on that. 

We all can work on getting healthier bodies, minds, and spirits. 

lily be